It’s high time we established some rules. The do’s and don’ts of well-mannered urination. Please read them, stick to them, and make life easier during those few moments for all the penis-havers you randomly come across in the same room.

1. Avoid eye contact!

The wall in front of you is fascinating enough. Alternatively, you can also inspect the ceiling construction. Or a crack in the panel at the bottom left – truly a work of art. You can look anywhere but sideways. Eye contact at the urinal must be avoided at all costs. If it happens anyway, it can feel like a wet handshake. You might never talk about it again, but you never forget it. On the topic of wandering eyes, looking to the side and down is the biggest faux pas. Your neighbour’s penis is none of your concern. Even if you happen to be a urologist – you’re off the clock at the urinal. Fortunately, some toilets equip their urinals with partitions, enforcing the no-look rule.

2. Silence is golden!

Say you spot your best friend, your boss or your future father-in-law out of the corner of your eye. Even if they choose to relieve themselves right next to you, a brief nod is all you need – anything else will have to wait until you’ve washed your hands and returned to the civilised world. Small talk at the urinal isn’t an icebreaker. It’s an iceberg. People have their own pace at the urinal. You never know how far along in the process your buddy next to you is. A rambling request or a question that requires thought to answer – it all distracts from the main point and disrupts an orderly process. And before you ask: humming, singing and whistling aren’t appropriate either. Public toilets are a place of silence. English comedian Lee Mack and two of his colleagues show exactly how not to do it.

3. No smartphones!

Folks used to approach the urinal with a cig in the corner of their mouth. In some public toilets, ashtrays screwed to the wall still bear witness to those times. Today, everyone’s addicted to their smartphone. Regardless, while you might well use your device at dinner, in meetings and probably even when you sleep, the buck stops at the urinal. No typing, no scrolling and certainly no phone calls. Or, God forbid, pictures. So, put it away! Even if only because of the germs. Speaking about hygiene: don’t forget to wash your hands. Those sinks aren’t just there for decoration.

4. Be quick!

The urinal isn’t a place of contemplation or a spa. You’re there to do your business, quickly and with focus. Leave the urinal and the toilet generally as soon as you’re done. And don’t be tempted by the various knick-knacks you might find at the bottom of the urinal – stickers of a housefly, neon-coloured scented blocks or tiny football goals. You’re not here to pass the time. They’re only there so you’ll aim more accurately – a kindness to whoever cleans your toilet.

If you face the wall any longer than necessary, you may make things unnecessarily difficult for those next to you. Ever heard of paruresis? «Shy bladder» is a recognised medical disorder. People who suffer from it can’t urinate in the presence of others. Their sphincter muscle tenses up due to nerves or the fear of being observed. If you enter a full toilet and all the urinals are occupied, wait at a discreet distance. Don’t stress the people ahead of you.

5. Keep your distance!

There are rules dictating which slot you step into. It all depends on the number of urinals in the room, how many are occupied and where people are standing. A free row of urinals is the simplest, say there’s 3: choose one on the edge. This gives someone entering after you the opportunity to choose the urinal at the other end of the row, leaving the urinal in the middle free and ensuring a safe distance. The rule of thumb: always choose your urinal so that others can keep as much distance from you as possible. While that might sound simple, it’s an actual deep mathematical quandary. If you count the ways a number of urinals (n) can be occupied so that no one stands right next to each other, you’ll end up with the Fibonacci sequence. In this numerical series, each number is the sum of the two previous ones – 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13 and so on. For any row of urinals, the number of possible choices that complies with our occupancy rule follows exactly this logic, only shifted by two places. Admittedly, I had to brush up on some school knowledge before I started writing. Here’s the main thing to remember: people unconsciously use combinatorics when they enter a public toilet and choose a urinal. Without having explicitly learned it, we stick to the rule of the greatest possible distance. At least that’s what most people do. Of course, this distance rule naturally comes with exceptions. If there’s no way to keep sufficient distance, you’ll have to bite the bullet and stand next to one or even two other people. In this case, follow rules 1 to 4 to the letter.