Expert advise on conflict and 5 tips for arguing fairly

People who argue have a closer relationship. In the heat of the moment, it’s difficult to avoid the odd verbal low blow. People who are arguing are vulnerable and sometimes unfair too. Things from the past are brought up again, accusations hit you in the face and perhaps all the negative feelings boil up because you’ve avoided the conflict for so long. Remaining fair in an argument is probably the supreme discipline of successful relationships – both in a partnership and at work.

«An argument should help you learn something», according to conflict mediator and trainer Irena Zweifel. 24 years ago, she launched the Chili (link in German) project – a Swiss Red Cross programme for violence prevention and conflict resolution. She explains, «When you’re arguing, the focus shouldn’t be on finding a solution, but on coming to terms with yourself and the other person.» The expert explains how you can be fair in an argument, why taking a break is so important and when it’s okay to shout at each other.

Being fair in arguments: are «I» phrases always necessary?

It’s common in arguments to say things which you regret later on. That’s completely normal. You’re a human with a mind of your own, not a machine with pre-programmed «I» phrases. And that’s what arguing is all about: putting yourself at the mercy of the other person and being relentlessly vocal about your own needs. Good relationships can withstand that.

A representative survey by dating app Parship and market research institute Innofact shows that there’s a lot of arguing in private relationships: 63 per cent of German couples fight at least once a month, 14 per cent of respondents even have a weekly fight. Things are looking good in Switzerland too, where couples with children argue particularly often, according to the Family Report 2021 published by the Federal Statistical Office.

No wonder then, the more you interact, the more potential for conflict. Household matters, raising children, financial investments – according to Statista these are, by the way, the top controversial topics among Swiss couples.

Which brings me to the «I» phrases in communication. Formulate your request in first-person sentences instead of overwhelming the other person with accusations. This is the number one tip for a fair dispute. However, the expert recommends limiting the use of «I» phrases as follows. «The «I» message makes sense for very important topics where my own needs are at stake». «The more important the topic, the better I have to prepare it. This sometimes includes «I» messages. But if they’re used in everyday life, for every little inconsistency, they quickly come across as rigid, harsh and inauthentic.» So if the dishwasher hasn’t been emptied again, you can call it out. You can tell them it’s annoying and it’s not just a need of yours, but a task to be shared as partners.

Why you can get loud in an argument

There’s another good reason why the «I» message doesn’t have to be used in every conflict, like all the other rational suggestions. Remain objective, no direct criticism, a gentle tone of voice – this isn’t intended to offend the other person. According to expert Zweifel, however, the real conflict is trying to get it off your chest:

«Objectivity can be helpful when I want to solve a problem. When I want to list points and discuss them in peace. But if I want to start a conflict that’s been bothering under the surface, it helps to be loud and direct.» Expressing your own discomfort clearly and loudly also has a strong effect. «It gives the other person the signal ‘you’re crossing my boundaries’. This doesn’t resolve the conflict, but it does raise awareness.»

What’s more, it’s not healthy for you or the relationship to constantly suppress frustration. A high-pressure cooking pot with a closed lid will explode at some point. A study conducted by the University of Frankfurt am Main with call centre employees showed that blood pressure rose more significantly in participants who had to remain friendly on the phone than in those who were allowed to argue back.

A few years later, an American study showed that stressful interpersonal relationships increase the risk of heart attacks. And suppressed feelings at the workplace are also harmful to health. This was the result of a long-term study by Stockholm University. Employees who felt unfairly treated but weren’t allowed to express their displeasure were more likely to suffer heart disease.

Even if it doesn’t feel like it, sometimes the most constructive thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to let it all out and yell at the other person.

Arguing at work and with children: how loud can I get?

Conflict can arise in all areas of life. At the dining table and at work. Unfortunately, the office isn’t a good place for tantrums and shouting. «You have to differentiate between private and professional settings,» says Zweifel. «I can set boundaries at work too, but overall I should remain more objective.» The reason for this is that work relationships are usually less stable. «When things go wrong in a work situation, it can cause lasting damage to the working relationship. Private relationships are more resilient.»

Friends, partners, parents or siblings – all of these relationships can tolerate honest words and active conflict. And what about disputes with your children? Like in the workplace, you shouldn’t let your emotions run wild here either, but communicate your needs calmly.

Children should definitely learn to argue, says the expert. However, this is often prevented in families because «we’re far too quick to take responsibility for the argument away from the children. We immediately provide them with the solution as to how they can quickly settle the dispute between them.»

Conflict is good for children, it strengthens their self-confidence and their sense of self-efficacy – namely the feeling that they can resolve a conflict on their own. «Nobody’s happy when children argue. But parents and educators should change their perspective on this, because when children argue, they’re preparing for real life.»

Arguing fairly: conflict on equal terms

If you’re wondering how to argue «properly», here’s a thought from expert Zweifel; «A conflict is a process that takes time. In the end, there’s either a solution – or an understanding of why no solution is possible.» A fair argument doesn’t always quickly lead to the goal. Here are five tips for a fair argument, plus a few no-goes.

1. The inner referee

If you want to remain fair in a dispute, you should look at yourself. Irena Zweifel calls this the inner referee: «Always listen to your inner voice in an argument. To protect your own boundaries.» Ask yourself questions like: do I need to step back a moment? Do I need a break? Is my way of arguing okay right now or am I overstepping the boundaries of the other person? «Self-reflection is needed for a fair argument,» says Zweifel. Stepping back for a moment and reflecting on your own behaviour in an argument can help you reach a common goal.

2. The right setting for an argument

Of course, you can’t always prepare for an argument. It often comes out of the blue. To ensure a fair dispute, it’s nevertheless advisable to be prepared and at least find a suitable setting. «Don’t argue in stressful moments,» advises Zweifel. «It’s better to find a date that works for both and wait a little longer. This gives you time to reflect, cool down and think about the other person’s perspective.»

Once you’ve found a date, the location is crucial. A quiet atmosphere without an audience is ideal for dealing with a problem: «I always think it’s great when couples go for a walk in the woods together and discuss difficult issues,» says the conflict trainer. For a fair argument, it should be clear to both of you that within this framework you can say anything and don’t have to hold back because you’re in public, for example.

3. Resolving conflicts: choosing the right strategy

Everyone behaves differently in an argument. And depending on the subject of the dispute and your mood on the day, you’ll also resort to different conflict styles. But one thing is always useful: before the discussion, clarify for yourself how important the topic is to you – and how far you’re willing to stretch.

Zweifel mentions the five conflict styles according to Thomas Kilmann. For her work in schools, she uses animals to illustrate the styles: «There’s always more than one way I can react in an argument. At best, I have a strategy that I can reflect on again and again.»

• Shark strategy (assertion): This is the appropriate strategy for non-negotiable issues. When a topic is so important to you that you really don’t want to budge from your position. Here, you fight and stand up for your position, which takes a lot of energy.

• Sloth strategy (retreating): Here it’s the opposite. With the sloth strategy, you give in quickly, adapt and leave the argument with a lot of compromises on your part. It’s suitable for issues that are less important to you or if you lack the energy to argue.

• Turtle strategy (avoidance): Here you often evade, avoid the conflict or need a break more often. This strategy is used when you’re very emotionally charged and prefer to avoid certain topics and situations.

• Fox strategy (negotiation): This strategy is for making compromises. Negotiations and discussions take place until a joint solution is found. You should choose this strategy when the relationship is important – but it also takes time, patience and a lot of strength.

• Owl strategy (working together): Here, you get advice and support from outside.

  4. Time-out: take breaks for better conflict culture

We also live in an achievement-oriented society when it comes to arguing. Quick-fire responses, explosive outbursts and the desire to reach a solution quickly in order to put the dispute behind you again create this culture of conflict. Yet, this rarely works.

«It’s a big mistake not to take your time and conduct fast-moving conflicts under pressure to succeed,» says Zweifel. Take more breaks when you’re in a conflict. Interrupt the argument at the right moment, reflect, calm down and perhaps rethink your own strategy. «There are times when you’re just going in a circle and can’t get any further. An argument has to take place over many conversations. Each time you talk, you move forward together.»

5. Know your own frustration management

Arguing is stressful and frustrating. This makes it all the more important to have strategies at hand to deal with your own frustration and to deflect feelings of tension from the argument. This helps you reflect and allows you to continue an argument fairly at a different time. How you deal with emotional frustration is crucial: what helps you if you’re just angry and frustrated but only give in and negative feelings build up? «Some drink a sip of water, others go out into the fresh air,» says the expert. She adds that the key is to take your focus away from your emotions. This can also be achieved with very small activities. Good frustration management is good for you and for your relationship.

No-gos when arguing

All of these tips will help you find a fair culture of conflict and to come back together again in a clash. When arguing, boundaries are often crossed and feelings hurt – this is often unavoidable. Nevertheless, there are a few no-goes:

• Wanting to change the other person at their core.
• Not having enough time for the conflict.
• Not being ready for a change of perspective.

And when it comes to arguments between partners, you should be familiar with the findings of US psychologist couple John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman from the University of Washington. Based on long-term studies, they’ve defined «The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse» for partnership conflicts:

• Criticism of the person (criticising the personality of the partner instead of a specific incident).
• Contempt (cynical remarks, eye-rolling or disrespectful humour).
• Defensiveness (throwing complaints back to the other person without reflection).
• Stonewalling (withdrawal from the conflict).

According to the Gottmans, if two people find themselves in this spiral of conflict, there are hardly any opportunities to turn back to each other. So, be fair and take on the above tips!