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When love lasts, things become boring at some point, right?

17.6.2025

Translation: Jessica Johnson-Ferguson

At what point are you in a long-term relationship – after three, five or ten years? And is that the end of the spark? Here’s what an expert says.

Everything’s rose-tinted at first. Your hormones are doing somersaults and your heart’s racing almost as fast as the souped-up moped the boy next door’s driving around the block.

Being in love is beautiful.

But what happens when the butterflies in your stomach run out of breath? When excitement and arousal start to give way to the daily grind? I spoke to the psychotherapist and clinical sexologist Dania Schiftan about the traits of long-term relationships and if you can hold on to the sparks of that initial euphoria?

Dania, what defines a long-term relationship?
Dania Schiftan, clinical sexologist and psychotherapist: A long-term relationship isn’t determined by being together for a long time, but rather by growing together, dealing with changes, being there for each other and staying connected in the face of rough times.

In other words, whether a relationship’s been going on for three, five or ten years isn’t decisive in this context?
Scientists often cite three to five years as the threshold for a long-term relationship. However, I’d say that a long-term relationship begins when a couple has already overcome crises together, grown and built a sense of stability and emotional depth.

Sounds like relationships go through different phases?
That’s right. Different phases are clearly distinguishable in relationships – both in my psychotherapeutic sessions with couples and from a scientific perspective.

Which phases are there?
At first, there’s the infatuation phase. Think intense, hormonally charged, characterised by idealisation and those famous rose-tinted glasses. It usually lasts between six months and two years, depending on the couple’s dynamics. Then there’s the consolidation phase. Reality catches up with the couple. Differences start to surface, daily life sets in and there’s an increasing focus on how couples deal with conflict, expectations and individual needs. This time is crucial, as it reveals whether the initial feeling of togetherness will develop into a sustainable relationship. Couples who get through this phase together develop a deeper bond, shared values and routines. And then there’s what is known as the maturation phase.

Is that the phase that marks the beginning of a long-term partnership?
Exactly. For me, this is when a couple is no longer exclusively fuelled by strong emotions, but actively and repeatedly chooses each other – even in tough times. It’s when the relationship is no longer just light, but consciously shaped.

Why are relationships so much more exciting during the dating phase?
Excitement and arousal go hand in hand. A lot happens in the early phase of a relationship, both neurologically and emotionally. It makes us feel agitated, we’re charged by hormones, curious and full of lust.

Sounds amazing! Why do we lose this excitement at some stage?
Because it puts our brain in a state of stress that costs a lot of energy. We’re less focused, our judgment’s impaired and our capacity for other things, such as friendships, work or organising daily life, is significantly limited. At some point, our brain needs to take a break from this state of emergency and movie into a state of calm. It seeks security, consistency and predictability.

What effect does this shift to a state of calm have on a couple’s sex life?
In the early phase, sexuality is strongly influenced by external factors: the tension, the unknown, the butterflies, the projections. By projections I mean the transferral of your own dreams, expectations, ideals, but also fears and insecurities to the other person. For many, this interplay is like a pleasure supercharger. It creates a kind of echo between the brain, heart and genitals, which is perceived as extremely intense. At the same time, some individuals – men for example – experience pressure to perform, fear of failure or emotional overload in this early phase, which can even lead to erectile dysfunction.

So the early stage of love isn’t always beautiful?
It’s also exhausting for your body. Over time, the human tendency towards efficiency sets in.

Efficiency?
In the early phase, people want to explore, try things out and feel as much as they can. Later, we tend to reduce this broad spectrum to «safe bets». Like going for things that work well – touches, positions, processes. By doing so, the things that were particularly appealing at the start are often lost. That desire to explore, those playful little extras that contribute significantly to the excitement. Another aspect that dials down the passion is the lowest common denominator.

What does that do?
In long-term relationships, we tend to stop doing things the other person might not like. If our partner flinches, makes a defensive remark or gives us a confused look, we’re usually quick to stop doing those things, even if we enjoy them ourselves. As a result, sexual interaction becomes increasingly minimalist and predictable. The transition from hormonal intoxication to stability reveals how sustainable our sexuality actually is.

Does a long-term relationship categorically mean zero excitement?
That’s an interesting question. Excitement is often associated with anything new or unknown. Both of which are less present in a long-term relationship. In order to create tension, some couples introduce conflict or insecurity into their relationship, for example by arguing or cheating. However, this kind of excitement is usually destructive.

How can excitement be used constructively and in a healthy way?
For example, by sharing new experiences or spending time apart on separate holidays or the like. It’s also worth challenging familiar dynamics and shaking up everyday routines. You can do this by means of small surprises or gestures, for example. These conscious changes activate our nervous system, which in turn builds up new sexual tension. When couples manage to break through habits, their connection is revived. It’s a way of rediscovering each other and keeping the relationship dynamic and exciting without having to rely on negative stress factors.

Would you say that this is the key to a successful, long-term partnership?
It’s definitely an important aspect that allows couples to develop a new kind of excitement while trust and intimacy continue to grow. The true art lies in feeling arousal on a deeper level even without the initial thrill of falling in love. Arousal that isn’t fed by the discovery of new things, but by the excitement of engaging with one another and growing together.

Dania Schiftan is a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist with her own practice in Zurich. She’s written three books about sex and the female orgasm, including a Spiegel bestseller. Schiftan is regularly featured in Swiss daily newspapers and radio stations. She gives talks, runs workshops, has a therapy podcast called Release and works as a psychologist at Parship. Find out more about her in this interview:

Sex therapist Dania Schiftan
Source: Mirjam Kluka

Guide
A trip to the sexologist
by Natalie Hemengül

You can find all the other articles in this series here:

Guide
Everything about sexuality
by Natalie Hemengül

Header image: Anton Pentegov via Shutterstock

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Natalie Hemengül

Senior Editor

Natalie.Hemenguel@digitecgalaxus.ch

As a massive Disney fan, I see the world through rose-tinted glasses. I worship series from the 90s and consider mermaids a religion. When I’m not dancing in glitter rain, I’m either hanging out at pyjama parties or sitting at my make-up table. P.S. I love you, bacon, garlic and onions.

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