Help! My kid wants to start gaming
My child wants to play some video games – that sets off alarm bells for me. Expert Florian Lippuner advocates against banning children from gaming. Rather, we should guide their fun. Can he help me conquer my fear?
A long, long time ago, I bought a used Game Boy with my very first allowance. A grey brick with the purple buttons. I was incredibly proud. But when my child suddenly expressed their desire to start gaming, my first reaction was, «Oh no, please don’t.»
Source: Shutterstock/SNQET
When I hear the word gaming, I think of teenagers wasting away their lives in front of a screen. My personal gaming history is limited to my childhood and teens: Super Mario on the Super Nintendo, The Sims, FIFA and flight simulators on the PC. Most recently, the Nintendo Wii with friends. I got a taste of that world and found it fascinating. Yet today, it all feels very distant to me. Then, in comes my kid.
I don’t have a good answer to the question, «Why can’t I play video games?» So, I promise my child that I’ll carefully consider their wish. I’m reminded again of a little book that was handed out during a presentation on media consumption at school: «Keine Angst vor Videogames» («Don’t Be Scared of Video Games» in English).
Its author Florian Lippuner conducts academic research on gaming, gives lectures and leads workshops. Anyone exploring the topic will find it hard to avoid this media studies scholar with a doctorate in the field. Fellow editor Patrick Vogt already bombarded him with questions when the topic came up for his daughter. Now, it’s my turn.
My first grader came home one day and said this, «My friends are allowed to play video games. Let me play too.» As parents, do you have to acquiesce so your child doesn’t feel left out?
Florian Lippuner: No, you don’t have to do anything. That’s the beauty of being a parent – you get to set the rules. When I was young, the other kids in my class were allowed to watch «Tatort» (German crime drama). My parents wouldn’t allow it. On Mondays, I couldn’t join in the the playground chat. And yet, I survived. I think it’s important to consider whether the consequence – your child feeling excluded – is worth a ban. And whether your argument is well-founded or based on ignorance and vague fears.
My first thought was definitely: «Oh no, anything but this – I want to avoid the topic for as long as possible.» In your experience, why do parents want to steer clear of the gaming question?
One of the main reasons is fear. When the media reports on video games, coverage usually focuses on addiction, violence and excessive gaming. You’re way less likely to hear about the vast majority of children who learn to handle it naturally. For many, the hobby even loses its appeal after a while. And yet, you might well know of families where screen-based media has taken over all parenting and no one’s ever home. However, video games themselves aren’t the problem here. Rather, the parents here are failing to fulfil their duty of care. Another reason: many parents simply don’t know enough about the hobby. To them, gaming is something unfamiliar and sounds like a complete waste of time.
Source: Claudia Erblehner
I feel the same. I’m worried about the negative impact on my child’s well-being. And the fact that, in the digital world, there’s a disconnect from physical perception, leaving my child feeling empty outside of it. My children would be better off exploring their creativity through play and getting some exercise outdoors. Real life happens off-screen.
I can understand those concerns. I don’t think gaming automatically leads to a disconnect from reality. The key is to strike the right balance in everyday life. If you spend half an hour playing a game, you’ll still have 23.5 hours left to go for a walk in the woods or hang out with friends. I think it’s important for parents to supervise their children while they’re gaming.
What kind of support do you recommend?
Instead of giving a categorical yes or no, I’d simply observe. How’s my kid doing during and after gaming? We parents have a special bond with our children and know them best. Kids are happy when their parents take an interest in what they’re playing. You could also dig out your old Game Boy and play Tetris with your child.
As a father, how did you approach gaming?
When my oldest son was three years old and ready for a controller, I bought a used Nintendo Switch. I was really looking forward to that moment since I love gaming myself. And still, I first had the same concern as you: what if it’s not good for him? Simple: we’ll just stop gaming – and, at worst, I’ll play alone when my child is asleep.
So, how did it go?
It was all natural. We played for half an hour then went back outside to play.
How do you game at home?
For the first few years, my son loved Kirby – a big pink ball that can suck up anything he likes. As a family, we like to play Mario Kart on the Switch with four controllers. My kids probably started gaming earlier than others. But they also spend more time than average outdoors in nature, interacting with animals and going on field trips. One doesn’t rule out the other.
Source: Shutterstock
Your kids are now eight and three years old. Have you set any rules about gaming today?
No, we still play it all by ear. I advise against introducing rules as a preventive measure; they make everyday life rigid. Some parents set limits or make media agreements with their teens. But I’d only do that in extreme cases. And we haven’t had those yet. In my opinion, we still don’t get to play video games enough. That said, we do have one rule.
Which is?
When we have guests, we don’t game. When kids around the neighbourhood realised we had a Switch, they came over all the time and protested loudly when it was time to give the controller back. They didn’t know how to handle gaming; at home, they weren’t allowed. This is a risk you run into with bans: desire can build up, which can lead to excessive behaviour. As a result, when young adults move out, they haven’t learned what’s good for them and how much is healthy.
Still, it’s a tale as old as time – kids have a hard time stopping.
Yes, a lot of games are designed to make stopping feel impossible – I know that from my own experience. On top of that, children live in the moment. We can’t expect a seven-year-old to manage their own screen time. Their brain isn’t ready for that yet. At talks, parents often ask me how they can find the right moment to interrupt their child.
Source: Patrick Besch
How would you respond?
Instead of grabbing the controller right away, I recommend placing a kitchen timer or an hourglass next to the screen. You can tell your kid they have the option to stop on their own within, let’s say, ten minutes. This may be when a level’s completed, the next checkpoint is reached or the game is saved. It’ll help your child understand the concept of time and prepare them for eventually ending their play session.
What do you tell parents who are worried their child might become addicted?
I value encouraging parents to take an active role. Children who have a good relationship with their parents and grow up feeling emotionally secure are less likely to become addicted to video games. Of course, there are risks involved with gaming, but real life brings dangers too. Just as we teach our children not to get into a car with strangers or walk them across the street the first few times, we should take the same approach when it comes to video games. You don’t have to play video games yourself or even like them. But as soon as your kid shows an interest, you’ll have no choice but to figure out what gaming is all about. Today, we have reward systems, chat rooms and online interactions, bringing dangers such as data issues and cyber-grooming. That’s why it’s especially important to teach children how to behave appropriately and to protect them.
What are some signs that gaming isn’t good for your child?
If your kid’s constantly frustrated and angry, or no longer feels like doing anything else, you’ve got some clear warning signs. Maybe your child needs a break. «There’s no such thing as a right to game,» I always say. Sometimes, though, even a small adjustment is all it takes. Maybe they’re playing the wrong game? Competitive games like FIFA or Mario Kart are more likely to cause frustration than so-called cosy games.
Do you have a specific cosy game recommendation for sensitive children?
I like Alba: A Wildlife Adventure for example. In it, a girl explores an island, observes animals and completes small tasks. The game has a relaxed pace and is beautifully designed. I also think Lego games are great. Players game together, help one another and go on adventures without violence taking centre stage.
In your book, you write that the positive effects of video games are being undervalued. Tell me more.
Kids just want to have fun when they’re gaming. They’re so motivated that they practise a lot of handy skills: hand-eye coordination, reaction time and a tolerance for frustration. In Minecraft, for example, you can set the game to Creative mode, where children can build new worlds. And in football games, they can team up with others and put their social skills to the test. Since many games are in English, parents who don't speak the language at home are often surprised at how quickly their children suddenly pick up the language.
In conclusion, what’s your main argument for telling sceptical parents like me, «Go ahead, let your child play video games?»
I’d turn the question around: what’s the argument against it? Why not let your kid give it a try? After all, simply forbidding your child from doing something sends a message. You don’t have to choose between a total ban and unlimited gaming; instead, you can find your own middle ground. As parents, we aren’t powerless, and neither are our children.
My child is lucky: talking with Florian Lippuner has given me a more relaxed perspective on gaming. Here’s what convinced me: I can be there while my kid’s gaming and, together with them, figure out what and how much is good for them. Besides, just trying it out doesn’t mean that gaming has to become the only thing in your life.
Why do you let your child play video games – or not – and what rules do you have at home?
I'm really a journalist, but in recent years I've also been working more and more as a pound cake baker, family dog trainer and expert on diggers. My heart melts when I see my children laugh with tears of joy as they fall asleep blissfully next to each other in the evening. They give me inspiration to write every day - they've also shown me the difference between a wheel loader, an asphalt paver and a bulldozer.
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